Teasing vs. Bullying

Today I am pondering when teasing becomes bullying . . . I think it may be a more difficult question when the child being teased has disabilities. I’m also not sure if I am more or less reactive to it because my child has disabilities.

I feel like Thane doesn’t fully realize he is being teased. On some level, I am really thankful for that. Growing up as the “Ugly, fat and stupid” one in my family, I think being oblivious to other children mocking you might be a blessing of some sort. I bet someone, somewhere will say something hateful about that statement, but sometimes how a person feels just is . . . and I feel like it would be nice not to be hurt, even if that comes from not understanding.

I talked to Thane and he definitely feels he doesn’t get along with this child and he is hyper-focused on an incident that took place a couple of weeks ago with LEGOs. I get the impression that this child sees Thane’s vulnerabilities and uses them to his own advantage. That really hurts me. I also understand that he mocks Thane’s gestures – Thane does some hand-flapping (which is something I do not consider to be within his control), is prone to stomping or slamming things if he is frustrated, and he does some visual stims. To me, mocking these actions is bullying because it targets things directly related to his disabilities.

From what I understand, this behavior is also impacting others in the classroom – particularly a couple of girls who have taken it upon themselves to either stand up for my son, or console him. While I am totally thankful that there are young people stepping in, I have to say that it concerns me that while it is obviously and opportunity for them to nurture and grow, it is also a sense of innocence lost because they have to witness an autistic child being teased. Moreover they have seen some behaviors and reported them to teachers and felt that their concerns were ignored. What kind of message is that? Is it that it doesn’t matter if a child is teased? Or maybe that it doesn’t matter if a child who doesn’t really get it is mocked?

Deep down I know that most likely there is something at home that makes this child behave negatively toward mine, and I think there is a limit to what schools can do – unless you have someone watching everything every single child is doing every second, you cannot see nor address every infraction that occurs. This is where the full beauty of homeschooling comes in I guess because you can control the environment so much more, but with a child with autism I feel like at least while he is little he needs to try to assimilate. In general, I have felt that the children in his grade are so much more exposed to autism than most of society that these wonderful little sponges have learned to be exceptionally understanding and supporting peers. But I guess there is usually at least one bad seed.

Things that Make a Mom go WOW!

Thane has some definite anxiety issues, and one of the things that was a really stressful for him was trying to write or draw. A year ago we turned the task over to hippotherapy and the therapist there got him to write while riding a horse. Now he actually does it for fun! Isn't this picture cute? The writing is his as well.

Case Management

Now that we have finally been approved for MaineCare under the Katie Beckett waiver, I went ahead and got Thane a case manager. It is someone I have known for a couple of years through the soon to be much larger Knox County Child Development Service (the state is going from 16 sites to 9 on July 1 – I hope it works, but I worry about the kids and access).

This person has been helpful along the way, so I am sure it will be a good thing, but it is a weird feeling for me. I am not used to taking handouts, and this feels like more of one than getting services through CDS when Thane was younger. Sometimes my friends make me feel like I don’t have the right perspective, that I am entitled to all sorts of help, but I still have trouble with the idea. It seems weird for the state to pay for respite for us just because Thane has Asperger’s.

Our yard does need to be fenced in again because we had storm damage and some is being held up by wire ties, but I feel that is our expense as homeowners. Yet I don’t mind the idea of getting a pool alarm. I guess part of that is that Dave and I don’t really agree on that, and I wonder how many times a bird will set it off, but I would feel safer having one.

Mostly I want an advocate when we go in to chat with the school. I do think the school is trying to work with Thane, but I think some of the action has been slow. I also need help finding some services, such as therapist who might be able to help reduce his anxiety level. I really want to work on that before he gets older because life does indeed get more stressful.

Update on the Boys

I guess I have really fallen down on the job here. I guess Facebook really dampens the blogging, at least for me.

The boys are doing pretty well. Thane isn’t having the best of times in Kindergarten. He is ahead academically, but socially he is having some issues. I also think he is learning some lousy habits and we’re not having much luck getting them corrected.

For some unknown reason, MSAD 40 is the only one in the area that doesn’t using Discovering Kids for behavioral therapy. They use Woodford’s Family Services. Unfortunately I was told confidentially by a teacher I trusted that Woodford’s was a bad fit for Thane as they use aversives and I am totally against using negative stimulus for a child like Thane. I have always been all about positive discipline.

Thane’s main problem in school is all the transitions. It has taken a long time for the staff to realize they needed to reduce the number of changes he has in his day, and that seemed to help for a short time. But basically he keeps hitting, pushing or getting in people’s faces. They are calling it “aggressive behaviors” at school, but it is really the wrong word. He isn’t doing it out of anger or to be mean, he really does not understand why he can’t shove someone out of his path.

Dare I say that this might be a typical manifestation of Asperger’s Syndrome where he simply doesn’t really see other people as people. And it is very normal for a child with ASD to decide the shortest distance between A and B is a straight line, no matter what is in between. I want the staff to prepare him for success better than they do.

I really like the ed tech who spends the most time with Thane, but I am really unconvinced that the staff, as a whole tries to be consistent with him. I have tried to explain that it adds to his security, but I think there is also a belief that he needs to learn to adjust. I look at him and I think he is still just so little. It is too much to expect of him. Keep him happy. Happy matters. Don’t suck the joy out of my little smiley boy.

So far most of what he seems to be getting is that people don’t want him to push or hit. So far that isn’t quite enough. But I guess we will just keep plugging along. I have been using some of the social stories at http://www.sandbox-learning.com – you can customize them, which is perfect for Thane. I recommend checking them out for anyone who uses social stories with their child.

Braeden has been having a fairly typical school year – nothing is really out of the ordinary for him. That, though, is a great step forward from last winter. He keeps himself busy and as he is getting older is he finding that he doesn’t want to be quite as busy . . . but he still wants to keep his theater projects up. He just appeared in “Willy Wonka” at The Waldo, and is now working on “A Hairy Tale” there as well. He also is dong “A Twist of the Tongue” at Riley, and then some as yet unannounced Shakespeare play. Then he has 2-3 weeks off in June before he goes to the intensive drama camp with Heartwood. I think all he plans for the summer is three weeks with Heartwood and then a week at Boy Scout camp. I can’t believe he is almost 12!