Teasing vs. Bullying

Today I am pondering when teasing becomes bullying . . . I think it may be a more difficult question when the child being teased has disabilities. I’m also not sure if I am more or less reactive to it because my child has disabilities.

I feel like Thane doesn’t fully realize he is being teased. On some level, I am really thankful for that. Growing up as the “Ugly, fat and stupid” one in my family, I think being oblivious to other children mocking you might be a blessing of some sort. I bet someone, somewhere will say something hateful about that statement, but sometimes how a person feels just is . . . and I feel like it would be nice not to be hurt, even if that comes from not understanding.

I talked to Thane and he definitely feels he doesn’t get along with this child and he is hyper-focused on an incident that took place a couple of weeks ago with LEGOs. I get the impression that this child sees Thane’s vulnerabilities and uses them to his own advantage. That really hurts me. I also understand that he mocks Thane’s gestures – Thane does some hand-flapping (which is something I do not consider to be within his control), is prone to stomping or slamming things if he is frustrated, and he does some visual stims. To me, mocking these actions is bullying because it targets things directly related to his disabilities.

From what I understand, this behavior is also impacting others in the classroom – particularly a couple of girls who have taken it upon themselves to either stand up for my son, or console him. While I am totally thankful that there are young people stepping in, I have to say that it concerns me that while it is obviously and opportunity for them to nurture and grow, it is also a sense of innocence lost because they have to witness an autistic child being teased. Moreover they have seen some behaviors and reported them to teachers and felt that their concerns were ignored. What kind of message is that? Is it that it doesn’t matter if a child is teased? Or maybe that it doesn’t matter if a child who doesn’t really get it is mocked?

Deep down I know that most likely there is something at home that makes this child behave negatively toward mine, and I think there is a limit to what schools can do – unless you have someone watching everything every single child is doing every second, you cannot see nor address every infraction that occurs. This is where the full beauty of homeschooling comes in I guess because you can control the environment so much more, but with a child with autism I feel like at least while he is little he needs to try to assimilate. In general, I have felt that the children in his grade are so much more exposed to autism than most of society that these wonderful little sponges have learned to be exceptionally understanding and supporting peers. But I guess there is usually at least one bad seed.

Thane's Kindergarten Portrait

King for a Day

Thane got to be King for a Day on Wednesday as he celebrated turning 5 years old. It is so hard to believe he is five already!

One of their traditions is to make a crown and the child can help decorate it with one of the teachers. Above is a picture the teachers sent me from school. He was very happy with his birthday celebration at school, and from one of the other pictures it looked like all the kids enjoyed their gluten-free cupcakes.


I had Thaney pose at home with crown too. I call this one King in a Swing.

Santa at Preschool

It has been crazy busy around here – probably everyone else, too!

Let me start my catching up by showing Thane’s visit with Santa today. Santa Claus visited his preschool today. The children sang for him and Thane was too cute. He sings at the top of his lungs. It’s charming in a goofy kind of way, and it makes everyone smile. He was in the front row too, which was a bit of a surprise to me.

I wasn’t sure if I should go as I haven’t been feeling well this week and I knew I couldn’t stand through kids singing and visiting Santa. Dave was kind of enough to talk to teachers and make sure they reserved a chair for me.


Both of the older classes were in the studio for the party, so it looked like 20 kids, perhaps more. Thane was the second one to go see Santa. He cheerfully sat on Santa’s lap. He said he has been good this year and asked for a ball (and people think I am kidding when I say just about any boy is happy to get a ball, or several, as a gift). He was given a present there, a book. All the kids brought in a wrapped book to be handed out as presents for the kids – I thought that was a great idea.


As soon as Thane looked up, he saw me. He had to point me out to Santa, who waved and Thane was entranced by the bells on his wrist.



He got his book, ran to hug me, unwrap it, and immediately ask if he could go home. That’s Thane – when he’s done his part, he’s done with it all. I suggested he sit, so he sat down and read his book through. Then he went up in between kids to thank Santa, which I think Santa thought was cute.


But then Thane came back and again asked to go home. I was starting to feel two things – the seat of the old chair underneath my big butt starting to crack, probably because I had to perch on it in a strange way, and that Thane was behaving differently from other kids. The other children would go back and rejoin their group, but Thane was really feeling that I was there and it was time to go. Thane went to talk to Santa a third time and I heard him suggest in a very jovial way that Thane should allow other children a turn.

I looked at the treat table and realized there was nothing there he could have if I dared stay perched on that chair, and he asked four times to go home. He looked disheveled and very tired, and it sounded as if he was cranky in the classroom before the party. I asked if it was okay to just take him, and was told it was.

One of the teachers was very sweet – they all are, really, but this one really goes out of her way for me without making me feel like the problem I feel like I am. She got Thaney’s bag from the other building and brought them to the car. I told her that I broke the chair she reserved for me and she didn’t miss a beat, she was very sweet about it. I asked if she could please remove it before someone actually got hurt on it. Sigh. Preschool’s just don’t tend to have furniture built for very large people. I’m just glad I got to tell her and that she was nice about it.

So I have some mixed feelings about the day and the visit to school. It is clear to me that Thane thinks of me as his ticket home, so he doesn’t really want me to be there for another reason. I was really stressed about going because I just haven’t been well this week, but I didn’t want to miss him seeing Santa. In a weird way, I feel like I handled it okay, even if it was one of those events that I dread. A friend of mine actually shattered a chair recently and I was so impressed with her for just thinking it was hilarious. He was thrilled to see me there and to share his book with me, but I feel like I cut his party short. He did come home and have an upset tummy, though, so I am sure it is better that he didn’t stay in the same room with all those cookies and such.

I made up cards for the teachers and gave them each a beaded bookmark as Thane likes to help me with those. It feels like rather little in comparison to what these teachers do for and with Thane, but there were also seven of them to give gifts to today!

Braeden and Fall

This week's big news is that Braeden got a a big role in an upcoming community youth theater production of There's Something in My Closet. This will be a lot of work, and some solo singing, so it should be interesting. He's excited and we have all his lines highlighted and ready to practice.

One of the other mother's of a child at Braeden's school called and started asking about fall carpool. The same day, a month before school starts, I got an email from another family in our carpool. We got a tentative schedule worked out, but I have to admit that fall is starting to scare me. I'll have Thane going to school 14 miles south of home while Braeden is 22 miles north. I have to drive Thane both ways each day, and it looks like I will be doing Monday and Friday afternoons.

Tuesday and Thursday I will still have to make my way north to get Braeden at 5 as he will be doing fall afterschool sailing. Then he has theater on Monday, Wednesday and Saturday. Good thing he rarely has homework! Thane will still be horseback riding through October. He has come so far and it so nice to see him doing more and looking forward to the ride.

I feel kind of like I just settled into summer's version of routine, and there are only two weeks left! Next week is chaos of some variety as I am driving two other kids to sailing camp, and asked one of the other moms to pick up on Wednesday and entertain Braeden for an hour and drop him at the theater where I will get him after horseback riding. Thursday I will pick up her child and bring him home for the night. Dave will take the two older boys to the Union Fair. He's going to take Thane alone another night as he just thinks it would be better for the kids to do it that way.

I already know Thane's teacher for the fall. I am hoping Braeden gets one of two teachers for his reflections group, and that he is happy with his schedule. He is beginning his transition into upper school with one class.

Thane's School

I have to say that I am impressed with Thane’s new preschool. Everyone there is very friendly and it seems like everyone knows who all the kids are, whether or not they are directly involved with the child.

We had a really bad pickup on Tuesday, which resulted in my chickening out of the field trip on Wednesday. Wednesday afternoon I spoke with our social worker and she told me a lot about how his school day is going – when I asked her to stop by, I thought she might be there for a half hour but instead she stayed most of the morning.

Thursday morning the teachers were all set to have Thane stay a bit late. When I arrived, one of the teachers skipped him over to the car and put him inside for me – and then took his swim stuff inside to hang so we didn’t have to bring it back on Friday. It worked so perfectly it was wonderful!

Today I picked him up, and he ran to me, hugged me, and slurred that it was really nice to see me. I offered him some time on the playground before leaving. I watched him play with two little girls. One looked older and seemed very nurturing, while the other was younger and more on the same level with Thane. It was very sweet to see their interactions, to see Thane actually wait his turn without huffing, and that he was intentionally being social without having to control everyone around him.

We had a discussion on the playground about a rocket sand mold that he wanted to take with him, but he agreed to leave it. There was discussion, but no hysterics.

He got in the car easily and fell asleep quickly. He was pleasant when we got home too, so all very successful.

He also made it through part of Braeden’s performance on Thursday evening, but not through it all. And once again, my video camera didn’t make it either, so Dave didn’t get to see the play at the end. It was a bit too long for a four-year-old, and some kind of spooky lighting . . . but the hardest part was the clapping and the noise. Thaney got pretty nervous. He was only happy when Braeden was on stage, and only when he could see me. He wasn’t being particularly accepting of Kim, when he usually is, so Dave took him outside once he announced he had to pee. Considering how many challenges the little guy has faced back-to-back this week, I can’t help but be in awe of his strength.

Long Night, Long Day

I had my version of a panic attack last night around midnight. I was trying to go to sleep and completely stressing out about today. Thane was going on his first ever school field trip. I agreed to drive because I noticed there weren’t many minivans . . . but I did say that I didn’t want to participate once there because I thought I might hinder Thane’s enjoyment of the trip or cause him to act up. After yesterday’s pick up, I really felt like the trip was doomed to be a failure if I showed my face for any part of it.

Dave stepped in and went in my place. It was nice of him, and the guys had a good time. He gets an extra bonus for taking a camera and getting a couple of pictures for me.


Dave was more pro-active about issues relating to Thane’s school than usual today – he spoke with a few of the teachers and one-on-ones about how stressed I was feeling about the physical fight Thane is giving when it is time to leave. While I wasn’t sleeping, I figured out that part of the issue might simply be that he was used to being outside playing at pick-up time . . . it would explain why he is initially happy to see me and then turns mean. So we may work something out where he stays a little extra time on the playground and then I take him home.

Our social worker came today and I spoke with her about it. I had asked her to pop in and see how he was doing because he won’t let me. She has been working with us for two years now, so I am comfortable with her and her feedback. She actually stayed most of the school day (morning) observing. She told me where he was having troubles, what the teachers were working on, and really that considering it has only been two weeks he is doing very, very well.

She also agreed that he is probably letting loose on me because he is working so hard during the day and it is a lot of effort – and mama is safety. I don’t know why it has been hurting my feelings this week, but it has. Maybe because I’m sick and the stuff I am taking is giving me a constant headache. He was absolutely beautiful for horseback riding this afternoon – he even climbed the mounting blocks by himself. Then he led his team around the riding area looking for puzzle pieces to complete a puzzle. We got his report from the first session and he got a wonderful write-up because of his steady improvement and growing acceptance of taking direction. He is very cute while he waits because I reminded him he needed to be patient, but he was really struggling with the wait. It amazes me how hard he pushes himself beyond his comfort zone. I think that inner strength will serve him very well!

New School + Educating Myself

I’m doing a Sunday afternoon blog catch-up.

Thane started a new school this week. The first day was hard. It was a rule that he wear short sleeves and shorts because we didn’t want him overheating (he won’t drink water). Then we turned the “wrong way” taking the “wrong path” to get to the new school. He was in full-blown tears outside and I felt horrible. We slowly got him closer, but the mosquitoes were out and they were bothering him too (he is not a fan of bugs). Once inside the activities interested him, and seeing the teacher who played with him the other day helped, but he still said good-bye reluctantly with a red-and-white, blotchy, tear-stained face and completely downturned mouth.

I think that is the hardest time I have had leaving a child at school so far! Braeden was ready and didn’t cry when we left. With Thane’s last school, he started out in the toddler program and I stayed with him, or at least in the building (there was a parent support group down the hall once a week), and that lasted for nine months. That gave me time to get comfortable with the staff, and to keep an eye out on Thane.

The good news is that he continues to meet challenges with a ton of strength. I have to say I totally admire his persistence and willingness to push against things that are uncomfortable to him. He really tries to work through any issues he has, and he simply doesn’t give up easily on much of anything (unless it involves eating or holding a pen/pencil/crayon/marker!). He was only a little reluctant to go on his second day, and didn’t want to leave without a ride down the slide since the extended day children play outside after lunch. Wednesday and Thursday were easy drop-offs, and he was doing better each day with the day’s activities. I didn’t think he would need a lot of extra support for long, but I think it has helped him get over this big change.

I’ve been impressed with how careful everyone is being to make sure he stays healthy. We had something go wrong on Monday, but it still isn’t 100% clear. He was offered Kinnikick’s Kinni-Critters for snack. He wasn’t seen eating one, but he did spend about two hours running in and out of the bathroom, and not always making it. I asked him if his tummy was sick and he said, “No. Tummy not sick. It hurts!” Poor guy!

Looking around, I saw shared lines with eggs and palm fruit as an ingredient – and I really didn’t know what a palm fruit was, though I have seen palm oil in a lot of things. I learned today that palm fruits are the same as dates. I asked on some gluten-free and biomed lists, but mostly the suggestion was that the soy in the cookies could be the issue. We have other things with soy, though not a lot, so I don’t think that is it. Today I have been searching for some new foods to try so I have been going back and forth between web sites checking on traces of this and that. If there are eggs or gluten on a shared line, that’s a no go. But I would think shared facility different room on eggs would be OK, so I have been double-checking everything. Apparently they have to say “may contain traces” if they are in the same building! Ugh. I actually feel some sense of relief in finding out what may have caused some of the flare-up. Thankfully it wasn’t a horrible one – he had a hurt tummy, but he was still in good spirits and active.

Below is a picture of the fruit from a date palm tree – it can be called a date, or a palm fruit depending on the manufacturer.

Counting Down to New School

The countdown begins – only a few days left before Thaney starts at his new school. I have to say that my nerves haven’t been helped at all by news of a 53-pound, 9-year-old boy with autism being smothered at school by a 40-pound therapy blanket and then reading another news story about yet another young child with autism and his family being removed from an airplane.

Braeden and I were talking about this on the way home from camp today – as Thane napped in the car. When Braeden was this age, his skills were just different. If something happened at school that he didn’t think was right or that he otherwise wanted to discuss, I could trust him to talk to me . . . just as he talked with me this afternoon about his day at theater camp. With Thane, I have to rely on the adults to let me know how his day went, and for them to decide what I should or shouldn’t know. That makes it scarier for me to leave him places than it is for me to take Braeden someplace new.

Thane hasn’t wanted to go to school for about a month now. I don’t know exactly why, though he has mostly been fine once he is there. He has said he didn’t want to go to a new school, and he has been yelling at me in the car because I am taking the wrong path – the new school is in the opposite direction of the old one, so the path/road is indeed different. I decided to swing by the new school just to remind him of the outside yesterday – we were within a very short distance when we picked Braeden up from camp. He protected and complained even as I pulled in. I sat for a minute showing him the play area and telling him it would be fun.

The school is closed this week so I wasn’t expecting to see a teacher there, but she was there cleaning things up and getting ready for the summer program to start next week. She came right over to the car, asked to be introduced to the new student, introduced herself to Braeden, talked to him for a minute, then invited Thane into the studio building or out on to the playground. He chose the playground and she happily ran with him over to the climbing structure and climbed up one way as he went down another, then they slid down two side-by-side slides and Thane was pretty well smitten with her right there. They rode a teeter totter, checked out the swings, and she invited him to look at the studio even though it was messy. She teaches music so they played some instruments, checked out puzzles, beads, and games. Then she went outside with him again!

We interrupted her for at least a half hour from her cleaning work. I thanked her several times because letting him check out the space without kids there will make Monday so much easier, and she said she was happy to help and she would much rather play with him then clean anyway. I still feel kind of guilty for taking so much time, but now he is talking happily about his new school. His BCBA was here today and they had a very happy chat about school (including the “rule” to wear short sleeves and shorts in the summer because it is so warm out).

So this is another teacher who seems like she will be fun. She teaches music at the school so he will see her a bit even if he is not in her class. She had Thane smiling and she warmed him up really fast by getting into the play with him. I’ve seen the other teachers playing in the sandbox, climbing, sliding, pulling wagons, etc. The head teacher visited him at his old school last week and I was a little worried since he was hiding. I am sure he will still be somewhat overwhelmed next week, but there is going to extra support, the BCBA will be there with another child so he will stop in and say hello to Thane too. It’s not currently in our IEP to have him work with Thane at school, and it probably won’t be necessary, but it will be nice if he says hello. The social worker is usually right in the area too and plans to pop in at some point to check on him as well, so I should be able to get some feedback from known sources early on as well.

So we’re working on the summer clothing and new shoes . . . With the help of the BCBA, Thane threw out his little brown cowboy boots from See Kai Run and accepted a new pair of brown shoes. I did get him a pair of navy blue shoes from the Eleven Collection.

Arts Magazine

I'm one of those people who usually does just about everything to help out at school fundraisers and things that support the kids. Riley puts out an Arts Magazine each summer featuring creative works that the children completed during the school year. Last year each child had one creative writing piece and one piece of graphic art.

I bought a full page ad and used half the space to promote The Waldo Theatre, where Braeden has been in a couple of productions and participates in a youth theater troupe. On the other half of the page I made a statement about art and used a music composition of Braeden's and some of his photographs. You can check it out below. I love the first frog photo as the detail is amazing.



I posted the ad, which you can see bigger if you double click on the picture, but decided I should probably upload the color frog picture too. Again, click if you want to see it bigger to take in the detail. It's great!

Therapy Shoppe

Discussing Autism is having a giveaway from the Therapy Shoppe. I've thought about getting a weighted lap pad for Thane as he uses one at circle at school. He uses a weighted blanket at night and loves it.

The boys both started school this week – Thane on Wednesday and Braeden is camping out at Tanglewood tonight with his classmates. I am hoping he brings home some photos for me. Next week begins the dreaded car pool. I actually drive the same kids every morning, so hopefully it will be easier than last year.

I'm underwhelmed by the newest teacher at Thane's school and need to get the nerve up to complain about what happened yesterday. She kept repeating that “the doors are only for teachers to open.” It seemed grating to me, as well as, well, er, stupid. Either Braeden or I were going to open the door to leave, and Thane doesn't label us as teachers (though obviously we all learn from each other). I didn't want to open the door because there was an adorable little girl standing beside the back door with us and she isn't mine. Instead of taking the child so we could leave, new teacher walked off and would have let us take her. This is not good! I asked Braeden to take her up to the front door with the head teacher. He is suck a cutie. He took her hand and chatted with her as he walked her to the door. I know the first day is always a challenge, but this bothered me. I am glad I am always there before they get out of the classroom.